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MAKING YOUR ORGANIZATION A PSYCHOLOGICALLY SAFE HAVEN

by TBOG | Apr 26, 2022 | Workplace Emotions

“I sent an urgent message at 4:00am to my Business Developer but he didn’t respond to me until 8:00am. He is so incompetent!”

Have you ever felt so frustrated with employees who seem not to be as driven as you are? You’ve built this company with your sweat and blood and now your employees seem to be lackadaisical about work and when you try to push them, they call you a slave master? Have you woken up one morning to discover tweets that show that your employees see you as a toxic boss? Don’t fret. We will take a look at what’s going on in a bit and discuss how to correct it.

No employer starts out wanting to create a toxic work environment especially because many managers are now aware that the emotional state of their employees determines how well these employees will commit to the organization and this can have a direct output on productivity. However, when certain emotional cues are not taken into consideration, the possibility of creating a toxic workplace environment can soar, albeit unintentionally. It is why we offer our signature product, Workplace Emotions™ to reduce this possibility. I have personally worked in a toxic work environment where the boss was a machiavellian narcissist. It was no surprise though, that the organization became so toxic that employees left en masse until the company eventually collapsed. I have, however, also observed, by virtue of the work I do, that some bosses are well-meaning and genuinely love their employees but they do not accurately interpret the emotional cues that could have helped them identify employee dissatisfaction and nip emotional toxicity in the bud.

There are three major questions that you must always have answers to [at the back of your mind] as an employer of labour to ensure that you do not breed toxicity in your organisation. They are very simple nuggets but they can be the difference between gaining loyal members of staff or disengaged employees who have no loyalty to your cause.

1. How Well Do Your Employees Understand Your Organization’s Vision and Values?

It seems like the ABC of recruitment, yeah? But it has a profound effect when put into use. Was there any point in your life where you were given tasks that you genuinely were not interested in or that you didn’t understand what was expected of you but were compelled to execute nonetheless? Did you enjoy that task? Were you able to give it your best? Whenever you were asked for updates, did you look forward to discussing them? I bet your answer is a big fat NO! It’s the same principle here. The reason you’re this driven and consumed with work is because it’s your baby. You understand the vision better than anyone else. You are the founder or manager. You breathe the vision. You see it. You run with it. When you’re working, you’re on an emotional high because you’re doing what you love and are passionate about but most importantly, the end goal is at the forefront of your mind so when things don’t go as planned, rather than feel discouraged, you try to navigate new possibilities. You are able to do all of these because the vision consumes you. Have you deliberately taken out time to transmit that same passion and understanding of the vision to your employees? Or do you just assume that they’ll catch it because they work for you and have deliverables? Or worse still, you assume that they understand it because you have the vison boldly placed at every corner of your organization.

2. How Solid is Your Recruitment Process?

I recall many years ago when I had just finished my Secondary School education and was bored at home. I applied to be a Primary School teacher and I got in. I will admit that the primary reason for applying was because I wanted to have my own money as a teenager rather than depending on my parents. I did not at any time think about the value I could bring to the organization. When I eventually, got in, my drive ascended fro a place of selfishness to selflessness and it became to give my best to those children. The only reason I was able to successfully switch my motive was because of my personal values and identity otherwise, I’d have jettisoned impact for my paycheck. With the rising “get rich quick” schemes flying all over town, the need to ensure that you’re not hiring people who are solely in it for the paycheck must be taken into consideration. You have to weed out those who are genuinely a part of your company for the value they can add as well as the value they can receive in return from those who are parasitic and ooze negative energy. If you hire a person whose priority is to earn a salary rather than run with your vision, it doesn’t matter how much time you spend training them to become excellent, it will be a waste of company resources. Their values do not align with yours. If you expect too much from them, you could be seen as a toxic boss. So, identify these people in your recruitment process and find out if they are rigidly there for the money or if they possess the flexibility to see the greater good.

Also, you have to identify certain soft skills during the recruitment process like empathy, curiosity, humility, and a desire to learn among others. The goal should not be to look out for the intellectually competent ones. Knowledge can be imbibed if one is taught but certain skills cannot be taught. They are learnt right from home and displayed in the workplace. As an organization, if you set your eyes only on intellect, you could hire narcissists as employees and this will destroy team bonding and other work-related competencies that drive productivity. Have Workplace Emotions Consultants sit in with you during recruitment processes to help eliminate the chances of hiring toxic workers. All it takes is one toxic worker to cause devastation in an organization.

3. How Well Do You Know Your Employees?

If you want extra commitment, you will have to first model it. An employee may want to know why he/she should put in extra time meant for the family at work. It doesn’t mean that these employees are bad people. On the contrary, they are developing a solid work-life balance and will do anything to maintain that equilibrium. If they must alter that equilibrium for you, it is because they feel like they have a stake in the organization. You have to know who these people are and come to an understanding with them to ensure that in the case of eventualities, they can sacrifice some of their personal time to help out. But if you make this a daily occurrence, you can be perceived as a toxic boss. Building good relationships with your employees, for example, remembering to say a birthday wish on their birthdays, saying hello before going to your office, genuinely developing interest in their feedback, creating an open channel of communication, etc, will help the employee become more emotionally invested in the organization. If you misuse the opportunity or take advantage of this emotional investment as narcissists do, then you’re one step away from losing them.

I also encourage all organizations to have something we call a “Family Meeting”. This meeting should be held at designated periods of time and it should be known to everyone [some organizations I’ve worked with prefer to use the last Friday of every month to do this]. Its sole purpose is to foster bonding among employees and their employers. In this meeting, all problems are brought to the table whether it’s from the janitor or the senior management, it does not matter whom. Everyone is given a fair hearing and whatever is discussed at the meeting should be resolved. No one is allowed to leave hurt and the tone of communication must be respectful at all times. Adopt this into your organization’s culture and watch how your workplace becomes a psychologically safe haven.

ADOLESCENTS; WHY THEY ACT THE WAY THEY DO

by TBOG | Apr 10, 2022 | Adolescence, Parenting

During our AWE – THE EVENT with adolescents, we gave them a video to watch [I encourage you to take out time to also watch the video 😊] by Absolutely Flawless an amazing YouTube Channel that is home to the best big wave surfing compilations in the world. You can imagine the thrill our teens felt. At the end of this particular video, we then asked how many of them would love to go on a similar excursion even if they do not get to participate in those extreme sports. As you can imagine, all hands went up with many yelling out their desire to participate rather than being just spectators. My team and I obviously had a really good laugh. We then went on to ask if they believed that their parents would sign a consent form releasing them to go on such an excursion. Many screamed “yes!” in unison with only a handful doubting their parents’ willingness to release them on such a tour. So, here I am asking you as parents, “if you have gone through the video above, will you truly release your adolescent to partake in such dangerous activities?” I know I most definitely will not. And all the teachers present at each of those sessions voiced my reservations, something the students found difficult to relate to until we began taking them on a tour of their physiology.

As parents of adolescents, I am definite that you try to help your son or daughter make good decisions. You provide guidance. You give them facts. You explain the pros and cons. You talk to other parents to glean wisdom. You think about how you felt when you were their age and the consequences you suffered when you made poor decisions. You think you have finally set your adolescent up for success with all of this deliberateness. But then you find out that your adolescent has taken none of your advice and has done exactly what they wanted to do all along! Moms and dads, while this is frustrating and upsetting, there is a physiological explanation as to why they behave this way. The explanation in one sentence would be that a significant part of your adolescents’ brain, the prefrontal cortex, is undeveloped.

Interestingly, the prefrontal cortex is not fully developed until age 25! This is why, even after you explain the dangers and consequences, your adolescent might still go on a moral tumble making very poor choices. His prefrontal cortex isn’t helping him, and so he all too often makes impulsive, “Yaaaaay, this sounds like fun,” decisions.

What is the Prefrontal Cortex?

The prefrontal cortex is typically referred to as the “CEO of the brain” – It is the seat of logical reasoning. Another way to think about it is like the brakes on a car. The thing with adolescents is that they get the fuel (the impulses), but they have a faulty brake system (an undeveloped prefrontal cortex). You know how disastrous this is when you’re above a 120km/hr speed!

The prefrontal cortex is responsible for:

Being Proactive:

The developed prefrontal cortex as seen in the adult brain would reason, “This week is quite busy for me; I better not schedule anything else.” but the undeveloped adolescent prefrontal cortex makes decisions without taking other factors into cognizance as seen in this scenario;

Your adolescent asks you if he can go to two parties this week and a Thursday night out ‘with the crew’. He has two tests on Friday, a literature review is due, and a big architecture project is underway. Obviously, he is not proactive and planning ahead.

Emotional Intelligence:

The developed prefrontal cortex as seen in the adult brain would reason, “I know you had a rough day at work and your daughter is trying to get you to play a card game with her. You feel like yelling at her, but don’t do that, control yourself, she just wants to play.” but the undeveloped adolescent brain processes things this way;

You’re making dinner, and your daughter walks past. She had a tough day at school. You ask her if she wants a salad. She yells back, “Stop stressing me, MOM!” and slams the door. She is not managing her emotions or delaying her responses.

Accurately Interpreting Moods and Body Language

Here is how a developed prefrontal cortex works in this situation. You’re to meet up with a friend at a restaurant after work. As soon as you sight her, you can tell she is exhausted and discouraged before she even opens her mouth to say anything. Let’s take a look at the disposition of the undeveloped prefrontal cortex:

You’ve had a long day. You walk in the door and tell your son that you are exhausted and need help with dishwashing. Because he is 14, he does not accurately read or understand the emotions of others; so he says, “Mom, I always help you. Why are you so mad?” when you are not mad at all—you just want help with the dishes.

Self-Awareness

The developed prefrontal cortex helps in self-awareness. You come home from work and snap at your daughter. Twenty minutes later, you apologize because you realized that you were tired and took out your frustration on her. Here is an example of the behavioural pattern from an undeveloped prefrontal cortex;

You are trying to have a discussion with your son. You calmly ask about his weekend plans. He gets all worked up and responds, “I don’t know, Mom!” You ask one more question, and he blows up. You ask, “Why are you so upset?” He yells, “I’m not upset; you’re the one who’s upset!” He is not aware of how he comes across.

Moral Inner Compass

This is something that needs to be deliberately cultivated in the adolescent as his prefrontal cortex matures. The developed prefrontal cortex responds in this manner; You get pulled over for speeding, and the police officer asks you if it’s an emergency. You hesitate for a second and then say no because truly it was not an emergency. Here’s an alternate example for the undeveloped prefrontal cortex of the adolescent;

Your daughter wants to go to the party because a guy she likes is there. You ask her if the parents are going to be home. She lies and says yes. She does not feel bad that she lied. She only feels bad if she gets caught.

Even though your adolescents think that they can make grown-up decisions on their own, they can’t. This is because there are some major gaps developmentally. Your adolescents need you to help them think through all of their actions and consequences. This does not in any way mean that you overhaul their decision-making process. That will be very counterproductive. You manage this by ensuring that they talk through every decision with you but rather than give them shortcut answers, ask them questions that will force them to think on their own about the consequences (good or bad) of whatever decision they choose to make.

Summary:

Don’t let the grown-up body fool you. Your adolescent is still in a transitory phase of life. They are a work in progress and their brains are still developing. They need your guidance and protection throughout these critical years. Even though they’d never own up to needing such.

For more details on this article, you should take our course here. You can audit it for free!

USING THE S.T.O.P. PRINCIPLE TO DEAL WITH UPSETTING SITUATIONS

by TBOG | Oct 5, 2021 | Parenting, Workplace Emotions

It had been a pretty hectic week for Maggie. This week alone, she ran two shifts daily with less than four hours of sleep. On her last shift, she became overwhelmed. The rent was almost due and her payment had been delayed due to an issue with her bank account. She had to pick up groceries but her car mysteriously broke down so she had to take the bus with two arms full of heavy groceries. Her daughter, Helen, had recently started acting up and it was concerning. She had been very defiant of late and they almost always ended the day with heavy confrontations where hurtful words were exchanged. Everything that could go wrong was going wrong and Maggie was feeling terribly stressed.

She sighed in relief as she put her key in the knob, thinking of the long shower awaiting her, only to get a call from Helen’s class teacher. Helen had not been turning in assignments and her performance was woeful in the few she did turn in. She also had a pending project that was due in two weeks, yet no draft had been submitted. This was totally unlike Helen so, she decided to give Maggie a call to clarify things. Of course, she thanked her daughter’s teacher for the information and ended the call. She was furious! Here she was trying to make life as comfortable as possible for her daughter instead, she’d been playing truancy! As she rushed to Helen’s room to give her a piece of her mind, she decided to practice the S.T.O.P. principle that she had learnt from one of our training sessions.

Life is full of twists and turns. Some days, it’s all exciting and other days it’s gloomy. What do you do when life decides to skip the excitement and hands you the gloom? How do you deal with your emotions when everything that can go wrong is going wrong? How do you respond to such upsetting situations? The answer is simple, utilize the S.T.O.P. Principle.

The S.T.O.P. principle is the acronym for:

S – Slow down
T – be Thankful
O – Observe your emotions
P – Plan the next steps

This is an important principle to adopt if you ever want to become an emotionally intelligent manager or parent who is not ruled by emotions. Emotions in themselves are not the enemy. They’re like pilots that inform you about what’s going on in your body. How you handle that information is what determines whether you’re emotionally intelligent or not.

When something happens that jolts you out of your comfort zone, which is what upsetting situations do, the biological response is usually to react not respond. To “react” is to respond through your emotions rather than logically thinking through situations. To “respond” on the other hand, is to rise above your basic emotion and delay your come-back until you can access the logical part of you.

It is human nature to react to upsetting situations rather than respond. This is the default biological design. Here’s how it works: When there is a trigger (i.e. the upsetting situation), the first part of the brain that receive these signals is the amygdala. The amygdala is the seat of emotions and it is responsible for every emotional reaction you give. Therefore, when you take an action while the signals are still stuck in the Amygdala, your responses are likely to be reactionary. The prefrontal cortex (PFC), however, is the seat of logical thinking and it takes some time before these triggers (i.e. the upsetting situation) make it to the PFC. The time frame is dependent on your mastery of Emotional Intelligence (EI) tips and applications. When you respond aggressively to an upsetting situation, it is most likely because you did not give your prefrontal cortex enough time to receive the signal before responding, hence, your reaction.

STEP ONE: SLOW DOWN.

The S.T.O.P. Principle gives you adequate time to recalibrate so that you can view the trigger objectively. Helen’s mom held back and decided to slow (calm) down, which is the first step in STOP. She refused to let her amygdala control her despite the intense stress she was under. So, delaying her response to the upsetting situation gave her time to gather her thoughts. Now, this time interval will vary for different people depending on the severity of the situation and (most importantly) how well they’ve trained themselves to respond in a logical manner above emotional responses. To engage the first “S” in the STOP principle, you could:

meditate,
count from one to ten in your mind,
take a stroll (away from the object of stress),
take deep breaths,
listen to soul music,
go to the spa, or
lock yourself up in a room and scream your heart out!

Just do something relaxing. Anything that takes you out of the “fight or flight” stance triggered by the upsetting situation works perfectly. In my moments of intense emotions, I try to watch a movie if my situation permits otherwise, I take very long strolls preferably around nature so that I can clear my head and return to my pre-stress state.

STEP TWO: BE THANKFUL.

Once you escape the clutches of an impulsive response, learning the art of gratitude is your next stop. Gratitude is a powerful calming mechanism It helps in the release of all your happy hormones. When you express gratitude, your brain releases dopamine and serotonin (they are the two crucial neurotransmitters responsible for happiness and ‘feeling good’), and they make you feel calm. Gratitude infuses your heart with love. When you step into an aura of gratitude, your mountainous problem pales in comparison to the goodness in your life. Do you know that when a person is high on drugs, these “happy hormones” are usually released in excess. So imagine the powerful infusion of goodness that’s being evoked just by stepping into a state of thankfulness. These hormones enhance your mood immediately, making you feel happy from the inside out! This is an absolutely important process in the S.T.O.P. Principle because sometimes when you are calm from your walk [or whatever calming technique works for you], the emotions evoked by that upsetting situation may still be brewing underneath. Sometimes, it’s a false sense of calm you experience when you take that stroll. Thankfulness ensures that you truly let go of the pain and anger that has been triggered and it positions you to be empathetic and in charge of your emotions.

STEP THREE: OBSERVE YOUR EMOTIONS.

When you are done practising the “S” and “T” of the S.T.O.P. Principle, the next step is to observe your emotions. Are you calm enough to make a rational decision? Do you still feel clouded by your emotions? Are you able to understand why the other party behaved in that manner even if they’re wrong for doing so? If your answer is no, simply repeat the first two steps because we need you to ensure that you can identify the specific emotions you feel, understand why you feel that way and own those emotions. You need to be in a state of mind where you can accept whatever response you dole out as your unbiased thoughts not a reactionary mistake. When you react emotionally, chances usually are that the issues become forgotten and persons feel attacked. I know that when I do not practise the S.T.O.P. Principle, I end up going back to apologise for my actions or utterances even if I was not initially wrong. It is quite painful to apologize for acting rashly when you were the one who was attacked in the first place. I can assure you that when you do not observe your emotions before taking a step, you’re setting up yourself to be the “bad guy”.

STEP FOUR: PLAN THE NEXT STEPS.

If you observed your emotions and are self-aware enough to identify your dominant emotions, then it may be time to plan what your response should be. It’s your response, therefore, you’re under no obligation to hurriedly reply [except in the case of an emergency]. Take your time to think through your thoughts, the consequences of your actions and responses as well as the synchrony your response has with your value system. When all of these are aligned, then it’s time to take action. You’ll feel more at peace with your response when you do this.

So, what did Maggie do when she realized that her daughter was not just spinning out of control but truant? She simply went back to her room to vent off her anger. She screamed off her frustrations, pain, and anger. When she was done, she felt better. She was able to find things to be grateful for and as her hear swelled with gratitude for the beautiful memories she’d had with her daughter, love and empathy filled her heart. By the time she engaged Helen, it was from a place of connection, empathy and a desire to genuinely understand why her daughter suddenly flipped. They had an intimate conversation where she found out that Helen had been depressed lately which was why she skipped assignments, had emotional meltdowns, among other things. It was eye-opening. Imagine that Maggie had continued with the exchange of hurtful words during their ‘usual’ times of heated arguments, Helen could have become suicidal thinking (wrongly) that no one loved her.

SUMMARY:

Leaders, managers, teachers, administrators, counsellors, have all used the S.T.O.P. Principle to break down emotionally limiting barriers. This simple yet profound principle has the potential to not just make you an emotionally intelligent parent but an emotionally intelligent human as a whole.

If this article helped you in any way, do write to us at info@tsageandtbog.com and don’t forget to leave a comment

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OBSERVATORY AWe-Q Test

by TBOG | Jul 24, 2021 | Adolescence, Parenting

LEVELS OF PARENTING

by TBOG | Jul 24, 2021 | Parenting

Let me first introduce you to the levels of parenting. Some time ago, I had the opportunity to engage some professionals during a specialized TRAIN-UP session and I introduced them to the four levels of parents. I’ll like to do so here as well.

The First Level is the Family Level of Parenting. This level is dominated by the biological parent, the adopted parent and the foster parent or guardians. These are the parents saddled with the primary responsibility of defining the value system through which a child must operate from. Wikipedia defines parenting as the process of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood. So going by this, the responsibility of a seamless and wholesome transition from infancy to childhood, to adolescence all the way to adulthood lies on the shoulders of parents particularly the level one parents. This is a huge responsibility and as such, parents need the help of collaborators at the other levels of parenting however, the foundational principles guiding the child should be laid by the Level One Parent.

The Second level is the Neighbourhood Level of Parenting: They are the parents by communal responsibility. Parents will not always be everywhere but neighbourhood parents can be anywhere. Once an adolescent steps out of the home, he steps into the neighbourhood and can be engaged by a parent at this second level. These people are not necessarily parents themselves in terms of having biological or legal children, even though they can be parents, but they step into the office of a parent by carrying similar parenting values and they will ensure that adolescents are in adherence to these values even in your absence. I remember during my National Youth Corp Service year as a fresh graduate serving her nation, a young boy passed by my side sagging. I called him back and engaged him. For those of you who don’t know what ‘sagging’ is, it is a dress sense adopted by adolescents mainly where the males pull their trousers below their waist in order to expose their boxers. In Nigeria, it automatically communicates that the child is an irresponsible one even if that might not be the case. By the time we were done conversing, he understood that his dress sense could make a positive or negative statement about him and he pulled up his trousers before he left. It could be something as simple as correcting an erring adolescent.

There was an adage in Africa that used to be potent many many decades ago. I do not know how potent it is anymore. That proverb says, “it takes a village to raise a child” The Neighbourhood parents are in the similitude of the Village used in the adage. On a lighter note, I remember a particular afternoon, my mom was working at home and I kept pestering her with questions. I do not recall those questions but I was persistent. I kept asking and asking to the point where I frustrated her. Then she sent me to our landlady to go get “arodan” and I happily dashed out. Very good girl. As soon as I told our landlady what my mom asked me to bring, she asked me what my mom was doing and I told her so she asked me to check a particular place for this arodan. I did. She told me to shake up those places in my search and scatter whatever I needed to just so I could find it. I had no idea what I was looking for but when I found something out of the ordinary I’d show her and she’d tell me, “Tope it looks like this one but it’s not it. Check again” When I had completely made a mess of the entire place and scattered everything, she asked me to re-arrange them. For about an hour or more, I rearranged. When I was done, she showed me another spot to search for this arodan I searched till I got tired. Then she sent me back home to tell my mom that I couldn’t find it. I didn’t realize until many years later that arodan meant “nothing”. It’s just a futile search quest that parents use on their errant children in Yoruba land whenever they want to get such children off their hands. When anyone receives the arodan message, they know their job is to detain such children with different tasks that should last for at least an hour, before sending them back home. However, with the level of depravity in our society today, the level three parents are becoming scared and community life is fast disappearing, sadly.

The Third Level is the Professional level of Parenting: These are the ‘parents’ with a defined responsibility such as Teachers who function in schools to tutor your adolescents in a particular course, School Counsellors who give guidance on academic problems understanding your adolescent’s learning needs and blocks, Pastors and Imams who are responsible for giving guidance on spiritual matters, etc. The level three parents have the specific job of teaching the adolescent in specialized ways that are peculiar to their offices. But they also rely heavily on the level one parents and build upon the value construct of the children entrusted into their care. In the event of a gap in level one parenting, usually identifiable by the absence of morals and values, they can step into the Office of the Parent to redefine the value construct for the adolescent.

The Office of the Parent is an important position because the level one parents will not always be everywhere. They need collaborators who will step into this office to become PARENTS to their children. Only those with similar value systems can ascend that office seemlessly.

Emergency Level of Parenting: We call them the Parent-in-Emergency. They are also professionals but the distinction is that they do not have regular interaction with the adolescent like the level three parents. With a high Awe-Q, the adolescent typically shouldn’t need such parents frequently until they need care in order to attain, maintain, or recover optimal health and quality of life. We find them in caregiving environments like hospitals, counselling homes, etc and their role is mainly intervention. They step in when the other levels of parenting are unable to prevent the adolescent from reaching a crises point. So these parents are required for emergency intervention in times of crisis. Doctors, Nurses, Psychologists, Psychotherapists, etc. you might be wondering how a nurse for example can stand as a parent, right? This was something the nurses I spoke to in a specialized TRAIN-UP session also wondered and I can encapsulate the answer with the story of Anabel. Anabel lost her mom when she was just 9 years old. Her dad was the one driving so he blamed himself for his wife’s demise. In his grief, he stopped catering to his daughter and became a major bully. He would beat her at the slightest provocation and even send her to bed many times without a meal. Anabel was a bright student and no one suspected she was having challenges at home. She had mastered the art of keeping a poker face. She had also learnt to take care of herself lest she starved. Exactly five years after her mom’s death, her dad came home drunk to stupor. She had this feeling of danger lurking around her so she ran to her room and shut the door. She just cowered by the bedside in fear. Then her dad began to scream, “Anabel where are you?” His voice sounded deadly but she still couldn’t move, paralyzed by fear. When he said, “Anabel if you do not come out now, I will kill you” that was when she rose up to open the door because she knew he meant it. That wouldn’t be the first time he had attempted such but this sounded even more intense. As the door flung open, he landed a slap across her cheek making her fall to the floor from its impact. As she fell, her gown went up and her thighs were exposed significantly. That was how he pounced on her and raped his own daughter. That was the beginning of many episodes until Anabel landed in the hospital one afternoon while she was returning from school. It was found out that she was pregnant but a pregnant 14-year old was not going to be left to wander all by herself. So, the nurse on duty asked about her parents but Anabel was so rude. The nurse in response to her behaviour cut her off and concluded that Anabel was definitely a promiscuous teen. Now, to be fair to the nurse, she was also having a bad day. She had just found out that her husband was cheating with her best friend and she’d been kicked out of the house that morning.

Her things were still at the hospital because she was kicked out as she prepared for duty. So having to deal with a rude and promiscuous [in her own understanding] adolescent was not on the agenda. Anabel snuck out of the hospital eventually because she couldn’t deal with such a judgmental nurse as well. When she got home, her dad came, as usual, to rape her only that this time he met with his untimely death. You see, Anabel knew he would come like he always did and hid a kitchen knife under her pillow. As soon as he climbed her, she stabbed him endlessly then stabbed herself. It was the screaming a neighbour heard that made him rush to the house but by the time he got there, her father was dead but she was still alive even though she had cut a major artery. By the time she got to the hospital, she was dead. The nurse on duty recognized her immediately and wondered if the outcome could have been different if only she had stepped into the office of a parent.

This story portrays the influence that all the other co-parents can have on the adolescent and how they can wield this influence to support the level one parents. The parents in all the other levels, that is from levels one to four, are called the collaborators and that’s because they work with you to parent your adolescent.

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