THE A.A.H.A. PATHWAY TO A BLAME-FREE AND GUILT-FREE PARENTING RELATIONSHIP

by | Jun 29, 2021 | Adolescence, Parenting

“Blame is the lie by which we convince ourselves that we are victims. It is the lie that robs us of our serenity, our generosity, our confidence, and our delight in life . . . For it is the act of blaming that can’t co-exist with self-responsibility — or with freedom from inner agitation and strained relationships. Abandon the practice of blaming, and we see the fear melt away that we have associated with being honest about ourselves and taking the full measure of responsibility for our emotional and spiritual condition.”
― C. Terry Warner

 

It’s likely that when you first thought about becoming a parent, you envisioned fun times, meaningful connections, and perfect family meals. Possibly you never imagined how emotionally challenging it can be to manage the emotions of teenagers: the screaming matches, tears, door slams, constant cautiousness around their moods, or feelings of shame about your home. You may have found yourself wondering how you got there. You’re not alone. As a natural response by the body’s physiology and psychology, the ‘excuse-making processes’ in our brains are in full swing when these events occur. And you are tempted to take one of two solutions: either blaming yourself for the unintended outcomes or blaming others. In a way, we all sort of respond to life’s challenges in this manner.

 

What do I Mean?

First, you need to understand the concept of the self-serving bias.

It explains the pattern of a person taking credit for positive events or outcomes in their lives (internal attribution) while blaming external factors for the negative occurrences (external attribution). This has a positive angle. When a person blames external circumstances for certain negative occurrences, it could spur one on to try again rather than give in to despair. If a person has been out of a job for about a year and this person blames the economy for his situation rather than himself for lacking the appropriate skill, chances that he will try again are high and the odds of getting a job increases with each try. However, there is a negative angle to this. If perhaps this person is truly poorly skilled but never bothers to improve his capacity but rather blames the government and economy for the harsh reality of his joblessness, then he will never get the kind of job he seeks even if he keeps trying.

So, even though it is human nature to take credit for positive events while blaming external factors for the negatives, a lack of understanding will plunge you into two major extremes. These extremes are what I have found reoccurring in parenting especially in this technology-driven social clime – the extreme of consistently blaming others irrespective of your role in the problem and the other side of the spectrum that blame themselves for every problem even if there was no way that it could have been their fault. This article will be looking at both extremes and how they play out in parenting.

 

A] PARENTS WHO BLAME OTHERS FOR EVERYTHING

The effect of being on this side of the blame game is innumerable and the negative effect this has on your relationships including that with your adolescent is profound. Here are some compilations that arise from blaming others for every problem you encounter on your parenting journey.

  • Stunted Personal Growth: A question asked by Dr Shefali easily comes to mind, “is your child growing you up?” I believe that this is a powerful question you must ask yourself as a parent.  One of the many advantages of parenting among others is the fact that it allows you to grow in dimensions unimaginable. Well, that is, if you let it. Your adolescents soak in all your behaviours and actions. It is why you must become aware of the emotions you experience because they reflect it. You can only teach your adolescents those insights you have inculcated in your own life. This explains why the S.T.O.P. principle is an important part of the parenting journey. If your adolescents observe that you are constantly displacing your feelings to others and they witness how you blame others for the negatives in your life, this is exactly how they will live too – incapable of accepting responsibilities for their errors. In blaming others for the problems in your home, for example, the ‘behavioural dysfunction’ of your adolescent, you are robbing yourself of the opportunity to truly grow. You have been entrusted with a life and to properly handle this responsibility you must enter into the “Office of the Parent” [this is discussed in detail in the ongoing parenting course].

 

  • Lack of Empathy: Parenting is a journey that tends to begin with a high level of ‘self’ and if not deliberately monitored, it becomes the energy you take into your relationship with your adolescent. As a result, you may fall into the trap of believing an illusion that you are loving, giving of yourself, and nurturing your children while in actuality you are using them to fulfill some need in your life. It’s how you attempt to heal your broken self. You thrust them into roles in the family that aren’t theirs by right. You use them to affirm your value and sense of worth. Unfortunately, these things are many times done unconsciously. You completely forget that you were a teenager at some point in your life. Empathy is a beautiful tool to use in connecting with your adolescent. Do you remember what your teenage years were like? Do you recall moments you felt misunderstood and hoped you’d be given a chance to explain yourself? Do you recall moments you promised yourself that you would not raise your child in the exact same way you were raised? When you blame others [including your adolescent] for every problem, while absolving yourself of your own role in it, you lose the ability to connect with your adolescent’s core self. You literally lose the ability to empathize. One of the tools needed in parenting in this dispensation is the ability to make your adolescent feel heard, understood and helping them know that their voices matter too. Empathy is the practice of “hurting together” and connecting through hurting. When you blame them for every problem, how do you successfully connect with them?

 

  • Negative Cycles: At TSAGEandTBOG Consult, we curate wellness, wholeness and winning experiences for families, organizations and nations. So, we understand that the journey to wholeness is an active pursuit of all-round development in all the dimensions of wellness. When you blame others repeatedly, you will parent from a place of wounds instead of a place of wholeness. You will become so wrapped up in your own pain that it becomes difficult for you to respond to your adolescents’ needs in the way that they deserve. The repercussion is that your adolescents grow up feeling empty and resentful. With this gaping hole in their hearts, it becomes difficult to form a genuine and intimate relationship with you, their parents and sometimes, even others. This then plunges them to begin to find fulfilment in things that cannot satisfy their longing souls. Thus, a negative cycle is born.

Here is a story I’d like to share. It’s the story of Anabel, a woman in her mid-sixties who is intellectually sound, holds a doctorate, and is a Financial Analyst at a multinational. It had always been her dream to have a child but somehow, neither her desire for motherhood nor getting married has come true. Having been raised in a broken home, Anabel did not understand the concept of stable and present parents. Her mother, a lawyer with a busy practice, was mostly unavailable, and she never knew her father. This meant that Anabel spent her childhood taking care of herself. She felt guilty for suggesting to her mother to attend PTA [Parent-Teacher Association] meetings or her high school graduation. It took her a long time to understand that her mother wasn’t really interested in her because she [Anabel] reminded her of her past [her ex]. Anabel’s mom blames her for the schism between herself and her ex [Anabel’s Dad] because he never wanted a child. As soon as he discovered that she had gotten pregnant, he dumped her. So, she blamed Anabel for that misfortune. When Anabel’s mother remarried, it was to a physically abusive man. Anabel couldn’t believe how a strong and competent woman could allow herself to be humiliated in such a manner. The moment Anabel graduated from high school, she ran away, hanging out with a crowd that did drugs, engaging in promiscuous sex, and living mostly on the streets. After seven years, at age twenty-five, Anabel hit rock bottom and was taken to a hospital because she was suffering from drug-related heart palpitations. Her moment of clarity came in that ER when she realized that she was becoming emotionally paralyzed, just like her mother. Finding a job, she enrolled in school. Her natural brilliance saw her through the University, a Masters degree, and a doctorate. By the time she was forty, she was drug-free and financially stable. Although Anabel appeared successful, internally she was in pain. She was a workaholic and at work, she smashed goals all day. But she used her job to try to fill the longing in her heart because she found intimate relationships suffocating. Unable to trust any man and ready to feel betrayed at the least opportunity, her longest relationship had spanned only three months, which meant she was intensely lonely most of the time. As she felt herself slipping into depression, she lamented, “I have nothing to look forward to. I have run as far as I can from the circumstances of my childhood, yet I still hurt as if I were five. Inside, I’m still that little girl. Doesn’t this pain ever go away?”

 

B] PARENTS WHO BLAME THEMSELVES FOR EVERY PROBLEM:

The other extreme in the blame game are parents who blame themselves for everything and anything even if the circumstances were completely beyond their control. They just feel that everything is their fault. This is fundamentally wrong. Even though it gives you a false sense of humility, it shows how poor your self-esteem is and it must be worked on. The accompanying package to this extreme spectrum on the blame game is GUILT. It is true that sometimes, parenting is hard! And parenting teens who are struggling can be even harder. But all hope is not lost and guilt should not be given a room in your parenting journey.

Guilt as we have observed in this journey of parenting is of two folds:

  • Work-related guilt: This is especially common among working parents who have demanding schedules. In some parts of the world, especially in large cities, 9-5 jobs are no longer truly 9 am–5 pm. When you calculate the wake-up time, traffic time (to and fro) and all other infrastructural and unforeseen factors, you realize that the time spent away from home is increasingly becoming 4 am to 11 pm. The money gotten from these demanding jobs are needed to sustain family life, however, family time is being traded for this to happen. The guilt from not having an appropriate ‘work-life balance’ can be an intense form of guilt for many parents who fall into this category.

 

  • Discipline-related guilt: This occurs when parents feel terribly guilty about reprimanding, punishing, grounding their teen or when confrontations end up in verbal tussles. Guilt also creeps in when parents feel that they might have been too lenient. Many parents today are obsessed with being “perfect”. 75% of parents feel pressured to be “perfect” from friends, family and social media.  Parents are literally under so much stress these days, working long hours and spending more time out of the house. When they return home, they want to spend quality time with their children, and when they have to take time out to discipline, they feel guilty. While this feeling might be understandable, it doesn’t eliminate the fact that it’s a dangerous emotion. Guilt is the driving force for most of the bad decisions parents make. As a result, the children of this 21st century dispensation are all about ‘me’, ‘myself’, ‘I’ and ‘mine’.

This is why we are introducing the A.A.H.A. pathway to you in order to ease some of the emotional suffering associated with the blame game and the guilt trip.

 

THE A.A.H.A. PATHWAY TO BLAME-FREE AND GUILT-FREE PARENTING

We have proposed a four-step pathway to ensuring that you rise above the blame game and the guilt trip on this amazing journey of parenting. We call it the A.A.H.A. pathway. Understanding each of these dimensions and thriving in there, is your surest way to access a guilt-free and blame-free parenting relationship.

A – Authority: The first A, speaks about the rights of the parent in parenting. As a parent, you have the authority and responsibility to direct the ‘ship’ in your relationship with your adolescents. Not knowing that this is an office you operate in as a parent is a major problem. However, if this is all you know, you risk becoming a controlling parent because authority without purpose equals destruction. If as a parent, your rights are all you utilize, you will operate under a hierarchical system of parenting…The end result is an adolescent who will become rebellious, it’s only a question of time.

 

A – Altruism: The second A, speaks to servanthood. In order to balance out the “authority” you wield, you must remember to be altruistic too. When your adolescent understands that you are a parent with authority, you can give clarity and direction, yet, you are willing to negotiate with them, listen to them [even if you don’t agree with their demands], make them feel heard, you will win their hearts. However, if all you know is the second “A” then it’s also a problem. You will become a passive parent; a doormat and your adolescent will walk all over you because you have no boundaries.

 

H – Humanity: Your humanity is an advantage. It reminds you that you are a work in progress. It tells you that you don’t need to be the perfect parent 100% of the time. Many parents have paid the price for neglecting their humanity. In their quest to seem perfect, they’ve forgotten to enjoy the little wins and are walking through their parenting journey with so much guilt. As a parent, you will make mistakes. Appreciating your humanity helps you not to stay in the guilt lane. You’re too tired from work and are getting burnt out yet you refuse to have a timeout? You will set yourself up for frustration. Appreciating your humanity gives you balance. It brings to mind your years as a teenager too. It helps you have compassion.

 

A – Ascent: This is very profound for parents. In Corporate Governance, having a board to defer to in times of difficulties really helps the CEO, don’t you think so? Knowing that the buck stops at your table can sometimes be an inundating experience. Realizing that your every decision can create a lifetime ripple effect is a daunting reality for some parents. It can be overwhelming. But realizing that there is a Grand Organized Designer in charge of the affairs of things, can be of great consolation. Africa is a very religious nation and so being able to defer to a Higher Power to seek counsel is often of immense help. This higher power, however, need not be the Divinity. It can be a coach [like us 😉] who is well versed in your area of shortcoming, guiding you through the tunnel. Understanding that the balance to the shortcoming of your humanity can be balanced by Ascending to higher knowledge is of profound relevance. Identifying who to defer to when salient answers in parenting are needed is the ascent needed to transcend the limitations of your humanity.

What part of this write-up spoke to you personally? Feel free to write to tbog@tsageandtbog.com

 

 

 

 

The Secret to Raising an Emotionally Agile Teenager

The Secret to Raising an Emotionally Agile Teenager

by | Jun 7, 2021 | Adolescence, Parenting

Have you ever watched a polar bear defending its cub? Or the gorillas and elephants fighting off a predator just to protect their young? Do you observe how these moms ward off predators even if it cost them their lives? These animals are fiercely protective of their young and this desire to protect their young is an instinctive one. As parents, there is no impulse more natural than the desire of parents to protect their children from harm. While humans do not have to protect their young from the immediate dangers of predator animals, there are a thousand and one things we want to protect our teenagers from, whether it’s protecting them from bullies or from the pain they feel from the loss of a loved one, or from being body-shamed in class or from falling apart the night before a big speech. It’s the same desire to protect them from pain irrespective of the situation. 

 

But can this be counter-productive?

In excessive quantities? Yes! Nobody wants to see their teenager in distress. We want to save them from any form of harm. However, the tendency to rush to their defence can end up aggravating their apprehensions rather than alleviating them. By shielding our teenagers from the parts of life that make them easily agitated, we can inadvertently discourage growth and impede the development of emotional agility (resilience). Have you wondered how many emotionally fragile teenagers are out there? According to Time Magazine, “adolescents today have a reputation for being more fragile, less resilient and more overwhelmed than their parents were when they were growing up.” If this doesn’t make you concerned, what will? We are raising adolescents who are spoiled or helicoptered because we are trying to NOT make the mistakes our parents made with us which is amazing! But you must know that in the midst of the mistakes our parents made, we turned out to be a more resilient generation. So, is there a way to eliminate the negatives from our parents’ own parenting style while absorbing the positives in order to raise resilient teenagers? Of course, there is. We offer courses, masterclasses, etc that cater to these things. Before we delve into how to raise resilient teenagers, let’s talk about what resilience is…

Resilience simply put, is bounce-back ability. It is the ability of our adolescents to bounce back to a pre-crisis state following a traumatic situation. In a dispensation where there are a lot more adolescent mental health crises now than ever recorded in human history, speaking about resilience is a non-negotiable discourse. Training our adolescents to be resilient is even more important now than ever before. The social clime in this dispensation is completely different from the kind we grew up in and that of our parents before us. It’s been a steady evolution over the years but with these advancements in civilization has come to a huge problem over time – the emotional fragility of our children.

We know how important resilience is or at least I do. If you were at my first webinar, HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW YOUR ADOLESCENT? you will be familiar to a great extent with my journey to adulthood. How turbulent it was. While I am not endorsing that any child goes through that, what I have found is that a lot of adolescents today cannot go through what I went through and still turn out right. It doesn’t mean I don’t have scars to show for my errors, it does however means I was able to bounce back. Developing that bounce-back ability is what I am concerned about. How do we expect our adolescents to grow if they are easily distressed by difficulty? In this age of social media likes and a false sense of accomplishment from the number of following one garners, how do we ensure that our adolescents measure success by higher standards than these fickle things? If social media pack up today and Instagram for example shut down, a lot of our adolescents might lose their sense of identities. How do we ensure that irrespective of what life throws at our adolescents, they are emotionally agile enough to bounce back? I will show you in a bit!

 

As parents, it is our duty to protect our children from harm and if it is within the power of our hands to do so, our children will never get to experience any form of negativity or adversity. But I ask, how will they gain mastery over their emotions? How will they rise above the fragility threatening this generation if they do not have practical situations to work out their resilience? Do you not realize that resilience is built in the midst of adversity and crisis situations? Besides, if you do not give them room to become emotionally agile, when they leave your nest, what are they to do when tough times come? Because tough times do come. You can play a big role in helping your teen build resilience and here are some ways we think you can help cultivate resilience in your adolescence:

  • Do not see the crisis as a bad thing. That sounds super weird, right? Isn’t that why it is called a crisis in the first place? You may not know but the word “crisis” originates from the Greek word ‘krisis’ – which means ‘decisive moment’. Crises can therefore be seen as an opportunity. When handled appropriately, it can strengthen the bond between you and your adolescent. If you find out that your adolescent has been anorexic for a while, how you handle it can either break the communication lines between you and your teenager or strengthen them effectively. Having open lines of communication is what keeps crises from developing into full-blown disasters. Every crisis with your adolescent is also an opportunity to further strengthen your relationship. When your perception of crisis changes, your response follows suit almost immediately

 

  • Always Listen. Instead of rushing to help your teenager avoid the problem, or even immediately providing them with possible solutions, you can simply listen. This is usually a tough one for parents. It is not really easy sitting still knowing you could easily proffer solutions to the problem and it’ll all be over. But if you do this consistently, you risk raising a dependent teenager who will grow into a dependent adult. I am sure you want to raise a wholesome adult of the future. One who is confident in his/her decisions and does not need to second-guess himself/herself every single time. The process begins now. In simply not saying much, but really paying attention, you are creating a psychologically and emotionally safe haven. Their perception is most likely, “mom/dad values my thoughts”. That’s a huge impact on your adolescent.

 

  • Be Sure to Empathize. This is an important part of grooming a resilient adolescent. You have to feel from your adolescent’s perspective. Let her get those feelings out, no matter how upset she is. Do you recall how you always felt that your parents never truly got you? That’s right. You don’t want your child feeling this way. Even if you have all the answers in the world, you have to make them see that you are on their side. You might be wondering how empathy might help. Empathy makes you vulnerable. Vulnerability is good! In our course, we speak about the power of vulnerability and how potent a weapon it is in befriending your adolescent. As parents, we have been conditioned to always show our strengths while masking our vulnerabilities. This is, however, inappropriate not just by our unconventional parenting guidelines but also from research-based and parent-based feedback. Becoming empathetic towards their plight also teaches them the importance of being empathetic towards others. That’s intentional parenting. You actually get a chance to connect more deeply with your teen, to teach him how to problem-solve with really big problems, and to show him how to manage upsetting feelings – a skill they desperately need to learn during adolescence. After listening and empathizing with them, you can then use the opportunity to teach them problem-solving skills while you help them explore the sources of their anxieties. Once you’ve figured out what’s really worrying them, you can brainstorm together about steps they can take to navigate their situation. Ask open-ended questions that will help them solve the problem themselves.

 

  • Teach Them to Feel Emotions. This is very peculiar to our male children. Society keeps telling them, “you’re a man, deal with it”, “men don’t cry”, “why are you behaving like a sissy, deal with it like a man”. Over and over again, we are raising our boys to be very disconnected from their emotions. While this is more peculiar to boys than the girls, I have seen this at play in many teenage girls too. Our goal is not to suppress or deny emotions. Rather it’s to help them learn to benefit from emotions while knowing which ones may undermine their well-being. These are the skills our adolescents should build because, in this shark-infested world, those are basic survival skills for them so that they do not cower under the pressure of a bottled up emotion. That being said, we must fully protect our children from “toxic” stressors, those challenges that can be threatening to develop brains and bodies, such as drugs, abuse, (rape series) neglect, and violence. As we build resilient teenagers, we must not believe resilience means invulnerability. Everyone has limits. And we actually don’t want to build invulnerable human beings. Why? Because we want our teens to be passionate and compassionate. We want them to experience joy. To be committed to lifting others up and building a better world. To do so, they must have emotions — even though feelings set them up to experience pain.

 

Finally, I advise that you create support systems. Your teenager can also draw the strength to bounce-back from other supportive adults, like grandparents, aunts, uncles or teachers. Friends and classmates can be great sources of support too. Your adolescents’ success throughout life will depend on their ability to navigate difficult interpersonal situations either at work, in intimate relationships, with neighbours, in places of worship, literally in whatever situation they find themselves in. Adolescents learn skills more by doing it rather than just being taught. If they learn from you that difficult situations and conversations are to be avoided, they’re more likely to get divorced someday or fired because they lack problem-solving skills. If they learn that your world comes crumbling after every crisis situation, they are likely to give in to despondency, depression, and other mental health situations because they are emotionally fragile. If, on the other hand, they learn from you that people who love each other can disagree but work things out so that both people win, they are likely to put that skill to use with peers, in intimate relationships, and in the rest of their lives. If they learn from you that bad things happen to good people but the ability to feel the emotion, without getting sucked into the dark hole of depression is a possibility, they will thrive in life.

 

 

Please leave your comments in the comments box and if you want to reach me personally? Send me a message at tbog@tsageandtbog.com

5 TIPS FOR PARENTING TEENAGERS

5 TIPS FOR PARENTING TEENAGERS

by | May 22, 2021 | Adolescence, Parenting

“Try to see your child as a seed that came in a packet without a label. Your job is to provide the right environment and nutrients and to pull the weeds. You can’t decide what kind of flower you’ll get or in which season it will bloom.”

— Anonymous

Adolescents will always seek autonomy. It’s perfectly normal. The terms of engagement must change.

As parents, we often find ourselves sometimes fighting between our minds and our hearts when it comes to relating with our adolescents, thus making parenting seem like balancing on a tightrope. This is because we are aware that one inappropriate response can dampen a child’s spirit, whereas the right response helps it soar. Each moment in our parenting journey presents us with the opportunity to make or break, to nourish or suppress, to correct or to connect, to be conventional or unconventional.   Having spent much time researching and consulting with experts, we have some parenting tips to help you keep the communication lines open with your adolescent and reduce the challenges of the teenage years.

    1. Don’t Feel Rejected by Their Newfound Independence. During adolescence, they tend to withdraw from their parents and rely more and more on friends, but parents often mistake this withdrawal as rejection. Your child is establishing his or her autonomy and making the transition to adulthood. So, this is not about you. It is about their need to discover themselves and learn the ropes of adulthood which is often signified by independence. Studies have found that excessive monitoring by parents was not effective in preventing teen lying or teen alcohol use. That’s because teens lie more when their parents are overly controlling. 

 

    1. Release Your Children from the Need for Your Approval. By tying our teenagers to our approval, we bind them to us without realizing it, making them slaves to our perceptions of them. If we continually deny them our approval or constantly require them to depend on it, we will lead them astray. Can you imagine how it must feel for a child to be starved of our approval and fearful of our disapproval? Imagine how different this must be from knowing they are accepted and honoured unconditionally. Many adolescents have gone astray desperately seeking approval from parents as have many because of being starved of it. Adolescence is a phase of personality shaping and identity consolidation. By helping our adolescents grow into their own entities, their very own person as handed them by the Grand Organized Designer, you empower them for life to stay confident in themselves.

Release your children from the need for approval or the lack thereof. Let them learn to be driven intrinsically as that is the only way they can become wholesome adults of the future

      1. Don’t Be Overly Judgmental. We all make mistakes. But when we do, we must learn to first forgive ourselves, understanding that we were well-intentioned, and then let go of the matter. We also want our friends to forgive us if we offend them, understanding that we were well-meaning, and let it be. We should also introduce these elements into our parenting approach to our adolescents when they make mistakes. They are at a phase of life where words can easily shape them or break them. Mistakes should not be viewed as something to latch on to and perpetually punish the perpetrator, rather they should be viewed as opportunities to learn. Isn’t this how we want to ‘critiqued’ when we make mistakes too?

 

    1. Nurture Your Boy’s Emotional Side. Our male children are increasingly being conditioned by culture and society to “be a man” and as such, they are gradually losing touch with their emotions. This is extremely dangerous. By hiding their emotions, they are prevented from learning the art of proper communication. This lack of communication makes it tough to navigate conflict. When you can’t work through problems, they’ll probably keep happening repeatedly and that’s not good. Society says that anything that has to do with real feelings; love, sadness, vulnerability, is girly, therefore bad. Of course, this is not true but while awareness is ongoing to change that cultural perception, it is critical that the home becomes a psychologically safe haven for your sons where your boys are encouraged to be sensitive and vulnerable at home, while at the same time acknowledging the reality that those traits might not go over well at school.

 

    1. Grow Your Girl’s Self-esteem. The rates at which our teenage girls are uncomfortable with their body image is scary and alarming as it’s one of the leading causes of suicide. As a mother, you have to model body acceptance. Set a good example.How you accept your body and talk about others’ bodies can have a major impact on your teenage daughter. If you are a single father, you need to get a mother figure in her life who would model this to her. It could be her grandma, a counsellor in your place of worship, a mentor, a teacher, any female with the same values as you that she could look up to, will do just fine. Also, do not raise her as a ‘people pleaser’. It is one of the most damaging things to do to a daughter because she then grows into a woman without a voice.  Encourage her to stand up for what she needs and wants. Create opportunities for her to use her voice. Ask her what she wants and let her make that choice to honour that choice. Help her build skills that are independent of appearance.

These are just a few of the many tips to parent a teenager. Feel free to write to me at tbog@tsageandtbog.com and don’t forget to leave your comments below. What else do you feel that parents of teenagers should do?

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

The first of four courses in the TRAIN-UP series has been launched! If you want to know how to train up your adolescent not to deviate from family values or how to raise a 21st -century teen/tween using unconventional parenting tools and DIY approaches to everyday parenting scenarios, then this course is for you!!! You will be taken on an evolutionary mindset shift that will foster the nurturing of an open and friendly relationship between you and your adolescent. What’s more? All through the duration of the course, you will have access to real-time counselling sessions with TBOG! To know more about this, click here…

CAN AN ADOLECENT TRULY FALL IN LOVE?

CAN AN ADOLECENT TRULY FALL IN LOVE?

by | May 10, 2021 | Adolescence

 “The other day, I found my 14-year-old snooping around the house looking for a secluded place. I pretended as though I didn’t notice and then when he thought no one was paying any attention to him, he settled down to make a call. As I listened, I realized that he was in a relationship with a classmate of his and they were proclaiming their love to each other. I had told him not to ever think about dating until he was 18 but here he was, already with a girlfriend. I don’t know whether to be furious or stay patient until their emotions fizzle out. My only problem is that I feel that my boy could get hurt or she could get hurt too”

Teenage Love And Their Maturing Brain

There is a lot of controversies that surround ‘teenage love’. As a Wellness Instructor, I have often told adolescents to wait until a certain age before they consider pursuing their emotional hullaballoo and my easiest explanation to them is basically because of their maturing brain. During the teenage years, the body and the brain mature at a rate not previously seen since infancy. The brain experiences an immense growth spurt. They develop secondary sex characteristics and they change in appearance from children to adults. In this phase, many adolescents worry about the sexualization of their bodies or their perceived inadequacies as a result of their growth asynchronies and they make decisions on these myopic views they form. It’s no wonder why body image issues soar during adolescence. So, with all of these hormonal interplays going on and the psychological responses to these changes, the smartest move might be to wait it out. A group of Australian researchers performed an adolescents’ body dissatisfaction study in 1993. What they discovered for boys was that about 34 per cent said that their ideal was thinner than their own body, about 33 per cent said their ideal matched their own body, and about 34 per cent said that their ideal was fatter than their own body. But the data for girls showed something quite different. 70 per cent said that their ideal was thinner than their own body. Only 20 per cent said that their ideal was the same as their body, and then about 7 per cent said that their ideal was fatter than their own body. These are some of the challenges of adolescence.

It has been suggested that the adolescent brain is a work in progress, with certain parts maturing faster than others and leading to potential mismatches in physical, emotional, and cognitive development.

Some consider the adolescent brain a continuing process of development, with certain parts maturing more rapidly than others, leading to possible mismatches in emotional, physical, and cognitive development. With all of these going on, it makes a lot of sense to make your adolescent wait until late teens or early tweens before pursuing a relationship. Despite this, we must not dismiss teenage relationships as unreliable or incapable of standing the test of time. This belief is not entirely valid. My grandfather married my grandmother as teenagers and they were together until my grandma’s death. Even though the average age of marriage has consistently risen over the last few generations, that doesn’t mean that teenage love isn’t real. Does this mean I endorse teenage relationships? No, not at all. Although it may not be so simple.

There is no guarantee that teenage love will last or not because not all teenagers can transcend hormonal interactions to decide whether their ‘feelings of love’ will persist through to a ‘decision of love’. Feelings fade and can be completely dependent on circumstances, hormones and many other external factors. But a love that withstands the test of time is very intrinsic.

As adolescents undergo a period of transition, incongruities in adult appearance, sexual drive as a result of fluctuating hormones, and brain development necessary to make mature decisions and self-regulate become apparent. Naturally, this is in part due to the fact that the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for logical thinking, is one of the last areas of the brain to fully mature. This leaves the adolescent to run fully on the emotional part of the brain, their amygdala, in decision making. The implication of this is that adolescence becomes characterized by a heightened possibility of risk-taking and poor decision-making especially in ‘reward sensitive environments where the temptations of immediate feel-good experiences are high, as experienced in romantic and sexual situations. All of which is a resultant effect of the diminished prefrontal cortical control.

Some of the reasons we encourage adolescents to wait till their early 20s before committing to a relationship among others are basically because adolescents do not (many times) interpret body language accurately [this is also because of the adolescent brain changes] so the possibility exists that some teenagers can be more accepting of unhealthy situations, for example interpreting jealousy and overly possessive behaviours as reflections of love. Researchers also found that adolescents are more susceptible to abuse and violence within their romantic relationships or to unwanted or coerced sexual behaviour. This is because they’re still working on discerning genuineness from phonies.

The first relationships that many teenagers experience is referred to as puppy love or a crush. This is because more often than not, the attraction to the other person is purely physical. There is excitement and energy in the relationship. The feelings are surface level and do not go deeper than that. It is a relationship that is based purely on feelings. This obviously cannot be called love. As parents, you know experientially that the butterflies in the stomach sometimes die but what keeps you going is that decision to love regardless and honour your commitment up until the butterflies return all over again. Many teenagers have not sustained an ability to look beyond feelings. So, when the connection fades, the relationship ends.

 

Can An Adolescent Truly Fall In Love?

There is a simple yet complex answer to this question. Adolescent love can last. I personally know a couple that began dating since high school. They’re married and have grown up children some of whom are also married and they’re still going on strong decades later! Despite the difficulties in any romantic relationship, teenage relationships seem to face challenges that are usually not present in adult relationships. For example, adults are more likely to be in relationships when they are in a phase of life that gives them stability either financially, occupationally or intellectually. When teenagers/adolescents start relationships, on the other hand, it’s often while they’re in school. They are going to face a trying time as graduation approaches. When teenagers or adolescents are in serious relationships, they get to a point where they need to decide whether they will end their relationship when they go off to university or figure out ways to make it work. This is because graduation marks a significant transition in every high school student’s life. Adding a relationship to the mix can make it even more difficult. This is often the point at which many relationships die since teenagers tend to want to see what will happen in their next phase of life.

Can an adolescent truly fall in love?

 

Let’s take a look at the concept of dating…

Dating can be seen from two perspectives. The first being that teenagers may date out of a need to simply have a good time or have fun or just the desire to want to hang out with someone else. They aren’t necessarily looking to commit, and they may end up dating several people at once. This is often the case and it is why many teenage relationships do not last. The second possibility is that a teenager may be dating to find their perfect life partner. When adolescents have this mindset, they’re careful about the people they choose to date because they’re looking for someone specific. A lot of people call this courting. Whatever it’s called, this is usually the type of relationship I encourage any adolescent to go into. This is because there is an increase in divorce rates globally and at TSAGEandTBOG Consult, we strongly believe that it has its roots in the mindset adolescents develop while dating. Adolescents are in a phase of personality shaping and identity consolidation. When they train themselves to ‘lack’ self-control all in the name of having fun and flowing with whatever feelings come, they unintentionally train themselves the art of bolting at the slightest sign of a challenge. The relationship will end when naturally occurring conflicts and challenges occur if the adolescent is only interested in having a good time. They may have feelings of love, but it’s not true love. However, if they’re looking to find a partner, then they may be able to transform their feelings of infatuation into feelings of love. But for an adolescent to want this, there are certain criteria that we encourage that they must meet.

  • Maturity: A mature relationship is the only way to find true love. Getting attracted to someone else is quite easy but true love only comes from both parties standing by their commitments, even when things get tough. Love can last for years by working hard and showing dedication. But the question is, how many teenagers are truly mature? With their developing brain predisposing them to seek emotional thrills and pleasure, how many can truly stay the long haul?

Adolescents need to find themselves before they find love

 

  • Self-Discovery: Teenage love presents a number of challenges because most teenagers are still in the process of finding themselves. When you don’t know who you are, it’s difficult to form a healthy relationship. If adolescents are in serious relationships while they’re going through this discovery process, they may eventually realize that who they are is not compatible with their significant other. Or, if they are unwilling to admit this, they might try to become someone they’re not just to please their partner. This will inevitably lead to problems in the relationship.

It is possible for both partners to discover their identities in a relationship when both parties are committed to growing together. This journey can bring them closer together. These two criteria highlighted above are among the most important because adolescents who pair up may become too exclusive, excluding themselves from social networks as well as friend groups in ways that hinder optimal development. If a teen restricts their development for personal reasons through a partnership that makes unhealthy choices or through early, unplanned parenthood, they may find that identity formation is greatly compromised.

 

A Message To Parents of Teenagers

Teenage love is usually a resultant effect of a rush of hormones that accompanies adolescence but in spite of this, do not disregard their emotions. It’s as real.

 

It is quite scary to discover your teenager in a romantic relationship after expressly instructing them to focus on their education and other capacity-building endeavours only to find out that your words were not heeded. If you’re in this dilemma then here are a few suggestions you want to embrace:

  • The feelings of your teenagers are just as real as your own. So, you do not want to dismiss teenage love as something unreal. If you ignore their feelings, your teenagers will feel like you don’t understand them, and this will put distance between you. You may even lose your child as a result.
  • Parenting is about providing guidance, including advice on love and relationships so that your child feels free to talk to you about anything. When you tell your teenager that it’s puppy love and that it’s not REAL, or that it’s not going to last, you risk losing the ability to provide guidance to your teen. They are less likely to ask you questions or share information with you. And we don’t want them snooping around, do we?
  • Finally, if you notice signs of an unhealthy relationship, then it’s time to step in. When teens are ‘in love’, it’s natural for them to want to spend all their time with their boyfriend or girlfriend, but you should watch for blatant signs of unhealthy relationships, like extreme jealousy, isolation, bruises, changes in behaviour, and a large age gap. It’s difficult for people of any age to recognize when they’re in an unhealthy relationship. As the parent, it’s your responsibility to help your adolescent if they’re in this situation because more often than not, they cannot see this.

 

It’s best not to date for fun. Date with purpose

 

Tips for Teenagers in Love

Relationships can be challenging. If you’re just dating for fun, then I advise that you don’t because you could hurt someone else in ways that they could spend a lifetime healing from. You could also teach yourself in the process not to be resilient when the time comes for a serious relationship. However, if you’re serious about the other person, there are a few things that you need to remember, particularly if you want it to last:

  • The relationship may be all-consuming, but before investing all of yourself in it, make sure the other person feels the same way. You may be serious about the relationship, but do not get too attached until the other person feels the same way. Adolescence is a period of self-discovery, it pays to wait
  • Sexual attraction is not the same as love. To find love, one must look beyond physical attraction and sex is definitely not the way.
  • Do not sacrifice your friendships for your relationship, especially during the early stages of the relationship. When relationships are new, people tend to want to spend completely their time together. It is important to keep attending family functions and participating in activities that you find enjoyable, too.
  • Discuss your plans for the future together. Do you both feel the same way? What will happen after graduation?
  • Always ensure your parents are aware of your relationships. They see in ways you cannot possibly see

    “Puppy love”

     

In summary, adolescent romantic relationships – with all their ups and downs – have the capacity to be growth-promoting, confidence-boosting and healthy experiences that teach young people about the give and take of intimacy. But they more often than not also provide traps for these youngsters. While it is impossible to shield our adolescents from all the hurts and disappointments life can throw their way, there are factors that limit their chances of serious harm from toxic relationships or distressing breakups. Encouraging them to stall on getting into a relationship too early is one of these ways, in order to focus more on self-discovery and capacity-building.

 

 

WHAT TO DO IF YOUR ADOLESCENT KEEPS BAD FRIENDS

WHAT TO DO IF YOUR ADOLESCENT KEEPS BAD FRIENDS

by | Feb 10, 2021 | Adolescence

“Why don’t you like my friend’s dressing?”

“So, what if Samson wears a durag? It doesn’t mean he’s a bad boy.”

“Why don’t you trust me? Amanda isn’t a bad friend.”

“Relax! It’s not like he’s a yahoo boy!”

Bad friends are every parent’s nightmare. What should parents do if they notice that their adolescent is hanging out more with a peer whose values don’t seem in sync with their own? Is there ever a time when you should forbid your child from being with a particular friend? Absolutely! But don’t jump to this conclusion too quickly. First, you know that this will be more difficult to achieve with your older adolescent but not impossible and second, it’s perfectly okay for your adolescents to have different kinds of friends. In fact, we should encourage such relationships. Exposing our children to diversity is a big part of helping them broaden their horizons, develop tolerance and even empathy. It helps them learn new habits, develop new perspectives, and get along with others. More importantly, it gives them an opportunity to test the waters and make mistakes all under your guidance such that when they eventually move away from home particularly because of education, they are better judges of character. The trick here though for parents is to figure out when the other child’s values or lifestyle is really reckless, self-destructive, or totally inappropriate. Then a separation must ensue.

Something to Ponder: Could hanging around this peer damage your adolescent’s character, reputation, or health? Keep in mind that our adolescents are rarely “made bad” by another peer, but the friends our adolescents choose to hang around with sure can increase the odds that they may—or may not—get into trouble.

I have engaged a lot of teenagers with behaviour problems over the years and their parents definitely had issues with their friends. Interestingly, these parents complain that the reason their teens behave in that manner is because of the kind of friends he/she keeps. But my response is very simple, “That might be true, but what if the reason he hangs out with that group is that he’s similar to them? Might it be that the parents of those other teenagers are saying the same thing about your own teen?” Before we go on, let’s explore the depths of our hearts by asking ourselves a very truthful question. Is your concern really legitimate, or is it that this friend doesn’t measure up to your expectations? Not all our adolescents’ friends can be the “perfect” type or the “ever-studying” type or whatever your favourite type of friend is, so don’t expect to like all your adolescent’s friends. I am reminded of Stephanie whose father was a preacher and whose mama was a social worker. She surrounded herself with friends who had tattoos all over, tinted hairs, piercings and her parents were very very worked up about it. They were always having clashes and Stephanie would sometimes leave the house for hours after such episodes. Eventually, both parents decided that if they couldn’t get their daughter to change her friends maybe they could change their disposition towards her friends and actually get to know them. You’d be amazed at how powerful that simple decision turned out to be.

Adolescents are not very good judges of character, it’s why we must as parents stay on the lookout. However, we must not be overbearing or judgmental.


First, they realized that a major reason their daughter hung out with these guys was that they were hurting emotionally and she was showing them that love was strong enough to bring healing, a family value that had been taught her since she was a little girl. One of them had sought her dad’s love ever since she was little but never got it so she got into the wrong relationships that broke her and almost pushed her to suicide. That was when she met Stephanie. Another friend was abused by her uncle and when she told her parents, they beat her into silence saying that no one must ever know about it. After multiple assaults from this uncle, she ran away from home when she was just 14 and had to cater to herself ever since. Meeting Stephanie was a stabilizer for her. Yet another friend lost his parents in a car crash. He became withdrawn and helpless. He at some point became scared that he could lose the memory of his parents so he started drawing tattoos all over his body ever since he turned 16 as a way to remind himself of the pain of losing his family. In themselves, these friends were not bad people. They were broken people, though loving and protective of themselves. They were striving to become better humans if only others would give them a chance. Their way of expressing themselves might be questionable to many parents but they were all broken people who found friendship and love in a person and more importantly, a desire to become better versions of themselves. When Stephanie’s parents realized the bond that brought them all together, they wept. At that moment, they realized that their daughter truly upheld their family values, even when it wasn’t easy for her. They couldn’t have been more proud of their daughter. Research proves that the more you know your children’s friends—and they you—the less likely it is that your child will choose problem pals and engage in risky behaviours. So, let’s play a game, shall we? How many of these can you accurately answer?

  1. What is the name of your adolescent’s best friend alongside the next three or four closest friends?
  2. What is the favourite leisure activity of each friend?
  3. What are the first names of the parents of each friend?
  4. What kind of relationship does each friend have with his or her parent?

Some adolescents have poor social skills. Keeping ‘bad’ friends might just be their own way of filling that void. They need help

If you weren’t able to answer at least two of those questions above, then it’s time to get more involved in your adolescent’s social life so that you can boost your influence on his friendship choices because as you know peers have a strong influence on the behaviour of adolescents. In fact, some researchers have even suggested that parents exert virtually no influence on their children’s behaviour when they are adolescents — peers are seen as that much more important. However, Chris Knoester, lead author of the research study and assistant professor of sociology at Ohio State University found evidence that parents can act as architects of the friendship choices that their children make. So, you see the need to understand the process of friendship formation. You cannot do that without having answers to those questions above 😊. The case with Stephanie isn’t always the norm. What if you have established that this “friend” is not only a bad influence but also a danger to your adolescent’s safety or values if the relationship continues? Then it’s time to halt the friendship and teach habits that help your adolescent move on and make new friends. Here are a few skills to teach your adolescent to help him stand up to a troublesome pal.

    • Does your adolescent keep hanging around this peer because he doesn’t know how to make new friends? If so, teach your adolescent how to introduce himself to a new peer, make simple conversation, and listen attentively. Friendship skills are teachable, and the easiest way to teach the skill is to model it for your child and then let him practice and practice it. If you need specific tips on teaching social skills, you can reach out to us, or get books that teach social skills or you can just talk to your school counsellor or psychologist for more advice.

 

    • Teach your adolescent how to say no. I had this problem as an adolescent. I never knew how to say no and it cost me a lot. Whether your adolescent has a problem friend or not, he/she needs to learn exit strategies to help her get out of awkward or risky social situations.

 

    • Tell your adolescent that he can always pin the blame on you. “My parents won’t let me.” “My dad will ground me for life.” “It’s their stupid rule.” This happened to be my favourite as an adolescent. Everyone knew my dad so when I blamed him as my exit strategy, they dared not pressure me. I’d just say, “my dad said…” and that was it!

 

    • Tell your adolescent to always proffer alternatives. “Why don’t we go to Domino’s?”, “Let’s do this instead . . .”, “how about we do it this way…”

 

    • Develop a secret code with your adolescent. Once he calls you with the code, you know he needs help in a tough situation and wants you to come to pick him up or help out. It could be something as simple as, “Mom, I think I’m having a migraine.” If he calls with the code, drop everything and go pick him up or do whatever is required. And by the way, never let your adolescent out of the house without some money or a cell phone that’s fully charged and loaded with airtime so he can call home if required.

 

    • Finally, stress to your adolescent that it may be hard, but he should learn to stay firm. He should continue to repeat “No” like a broken record until the other peer gets the hint. Emphasize that his goal is not to change his friend’s mind or alter his behaviour, but instead to stick to what he himself knows is the right thing to do. And stress this idea: “If it feels wrong, it probably is.”

 

It’s usually best to let your adolescent choose the ones he/she feels most comfortable with and then practice them over and over until they can finally be used in the real world.

A Story from a Parent: My fourteen-year-old befriended a peer who should have been nicknamed “Trouble”. I have no idea how they became friends but my son became involved in many troubling activities in school ranging from skipping classes to jumping over the fence for outings. I was sure that my son was well on his way to being a full-blown criminal simply because of the entrant of this boy into his life so, I changed him from being a boarding school student to a day student then enrolled him into a music school for after-school lessons. Ever since he was little, he had always had this knack for the piano so I figured it was about time he channelled his energy towards something more productive. He found two boys who shared his music passion, and they started a band. By that time the other ‘trouble friend’ faded from his life.

 

As parents, what’s the biggest thing you’re struggling with right now that I can help you with? You can leave your comments or send me a mail at TBOG@tsageandtbog.com. If you enjoyed reading this, don’t forget to share it with other parents.